I woke that morning

and realized

 

she was gone

 

 

The silence from her empty closet

crept through the house

down the hall

surrounding me with an eerie calm

The silence briefly broken

by the smile that inched

across my face

and the long awaited relief

that escaped my mouth

 

finally

 

 

The word so full of hope

hung in the air

till the silence began

to choke it

and when the phone rang

I heard it sigh

its last breath

 

it’s mom, come out to the park

 

I walked out to the park

at the end of our cul-de-sac

ecstatic that she came back for me

She sat nearly defeated

alone in the parking lot

drowning

under the weight of all her things

her clothes hung around

the inside of our mini-van

her bible in the front seat

 

she spoke to me

like I was a ghost

looking at me

but really looking beyond me

back at our house

at the end of that dead-end street

beyond the sign that read

“no outlet

not a through street”

 

Through her weeping

she spoke of how

he crushed her dreams

how this time he wasn’t

going to break her

how all he did was be cruel

how all he did was beat her

how all he needed to do

was love her

that night would be

the last night of terror

she would ever deal with again

 

but what kind of mother would I be

if I left my children? uh?

 

 

the hot summer sun

beat down on us

suffocating us with the stale air

the silence from our house

had followed me

prevented me from hearing

anything but my mother’s words

and like a knife in my heart

she infected me

with her defeat

 

she wiped way

my hot tears

burning my face

 

uh? how could I leave you?

I stayed this long

for you and your brothers?

 

 

no…just go

we can go together

please, um-ma just go

 

 

she couldn’t hear

the words

I couldn’t say

they were bleeding

from my heart

crying

begging

clinging to the hope

that she would just leave

 

I can’t watch one more day

I don’t want to live like this

I want to learn to love a man one day

I want to learn to be loved