Ask Lisa*, a 26-year-old Korean American office administrator in Los Angeles, what she’s doing tonight, and you’ll get a different answer depending on who you are. To her parents, she’s their very busy daughter who is working late and will be sleeping over at a girlfriend’s place.

“My parent’s house is very far from my work, and I’m on a leased vehicle, which means limited miles. I have a ‘girlfriend’ who lives very close to my work, so I’ll ‘crash’ at her house a few nights a week to save on mileage,” Lisa explains.  

But to her boyfriend, Lisa is the independent woman who’s coming over to spend the night.

Why the dual identity? Eight months ago, Lisa moved in with her parents to help them out with rent. Due to her family’s traditional ways, Lisa says, “I don’t speak a word about whom I’m dating or if I’m dating at all.”

According to the 2005 U.S. Census, 10.9 percent of all adults ages 25 to 34 live as the “child of the householder.” (A householder is defined as the person who owns or rents the property.) That’s more than 4 million adults past college-age sharing addresses with their parents. Of this figure, Asian Americans “live with their parents at a higher rate than their mainstream counterparts,” says Kristy Shih, a sociology doctoral student at the University of California, Riverside who studies Asian American families.

By Western standards, living at home often bears the stigma of being a loser, but for Asian Americans there is a variety of reasons for this lifestyle. Anything from adhering to cultural traditions (living at home until marriage, being a good son or daughter) to economics (family need) to social and societal factors (inequality and/or discrimination in the job market, increasing housing costs) are all factors, Shih says. Some also choose to live at home because they enjoy the cushy nest. Ultimately, the choice is a combination of factors, and the experiences vary among Asian American subgroups.

“I think Korean Americans, not all, are keenly aware of their parent’s sacrifice and support, and they think it’s time to reciprocate [by contributing and living at home],” says Kyeyoung Park, an associate professor of anthropology and Asian American studies at UCLA.

For the traditionally minded, residing at home might actually make dating easier, says Philip S. Wong, a clinical psychologist in New York.

“[These adults] may take greater comfort in traditional paths to marriage, with their parents involved in matchmaking and arranged marriages, than someone less traditionally oriented would,” he says.

But for the more independent daters, how much do their parents, who are just a thin wall away, cramp their style? Complaints include the usual ones faced by teenagers: lack of privacy, questioning of whereabouts and the embarrassment of having parents around.

Soo*, 26, a mortgage broker who moved back home due to financial reasons, misses having a place to “veg out” after work with her boyfriend. He does not feel comfortable at her parent’s house. “We find ourselves always having to find something to do every day outside of the house.”