Dear Dr. Clara:

I have just lost my grandfather to cancer. He passed away peacefully at the age of 84. Since my parents died when I was young, he was the only parent I’ve ever known. He was very kind to me, and gave me all the love and support I needed. I miss him very much. But everyone is telling me to forget him and to keep busy, but it hasn’t been working. Could you tell me what I can do to survive this?

> Heartbroken beyond belief, Jerry

Dear Jerry:

Although people mean well, they say things that could sometimes be more hurtful at a time of loss. It’s not their fault. It’s learned behavior, and sometimes they don’t know any better. But studies have shown that comments like “keep busy,” “he’s in a better place” or “be strong,” do not help those who are mourning.

Instead of trying to get rid of your feelings or distracting yourself by keeping busy, you need to acknowledge your feelings and give yourself an opportunity to truly grieve. Losing someone who was like a parent is one of the greatest losses you can experience. So give it the respect that it deserves. And be with people who can understand your pain instead of surrounding yourself with people who are uncomfortable with your loss.

So grieve and go through the emotions. This is a great loss and you are hurting. Remember your grandfather and all the wonderful experiences and memories you’ve shared. It’s not natural for us to try and forget those we loved. That’s impossible, and why would you want to? He may not be with you in body, but he is with you in spirit. This will continue to be your strength as you live your life.

Dear Dr. Clara:

I recently discovered that a longtime friend of the family got a divorce. He has always been like a kind and gentle uncle to me. But when I saw him a month ago, I found myself extremely attracted to him, and I could tell he was attracted to me, too. We could not keep our eyes off of each other. Since then, I cannot get him out of my mind. It has been a while since I had a man in my life, so I wonder if I’m being lonely or desperate. He is also 10 years older than I, and I’m 38 years old. Whatever it is, this feeling of attraction, as well as lust, will not go away, and I don’t know what to do about it. What the hell is wrong with me?

> Got the hots! Jennifer

Dear Jennifer:

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. As a matter of fact, you’re quite normal, and it’s nice to know your libido is alive, too.

Why is it so wrong to have the hots for a family friend who is available and is attracted to you? He is a man, isn’t he? And he’s not related to you, is he? So, what’s stopping you? You’re both consenting adults over 21, and you’re mutually attracted to each other, aren’t you? I don’t see any problem here. So go for it and find out what it’s all about. Don’t destroy a potential romance by living inside your head. By the way, lust doesn’t come along every day either. So, let the passion flow. The most important thing is to have fun and not think too much. But remember to practice safety at all times. Enjoy!