You know how everyone has an archrival? So, there was this girl that my parents ALWAYS compared me to. We shall call her Min. I remember being compared to her since the age of 3. (She was also my brother’s first girlfriend, thanks to my parents’ meddling.)

It was always: Why can’t you behave like a lady like Min? Why can’t you get good grades like Min? Min never talks to her parents that way. Blah blah blah. I thought I was over this childhood rivalry with this girl, but then I got a phone call from my mother one Saturday, asking if I was going to Min’s wedding.

I wasn’t interested in going; I had a lot of work to do for an upcoming event and couldn’t really waste time on going to a dull wedding. And then she said, “Min is getting married to a doctor.”

“Mom that’s nice, I bet her parents are really proud of her.”

“And she’s a doctor as well.”

“That’s nice, I bet her parents are really proud of her.”

“Well, it doesn’t seem like this marriage is going to end in divorce … (sigh).”

“OH IT’S ON! PICK ME UP IN AN HOUR.”

Rivalries run deep, especially when your parents are egging them on.

My father picked me up, and ordered me to bring several dresses for my mom and him to choose from. I then realized there’s a rivalry between the parents, and the kids must be their puppets!

We got to the wedding, and Min’s parents came straight up to us and thanked us for coming. Suddenly they looked at me and said, “Eulsanga! Look at you! You’ve become so pretty! Wow!” And they kept saying it. So I turned to my mother and asked, “Mom, why do they keep saying I’ve become so pretty?” And my mom turned to me (completely sober, mind you) and said, “Because you were really ugly as a child. I mean, really ugly. I used to put bows in your hair and put you in dresses, and people would come up to me and say ‘How old is your boy?’ Yep, you were really ugly, but now you’re pretty. Thank God.”

Um, yeah. Thanks Mom. So not only was I at my archrival’s wedding, but I learned that I was an ugly ugly child. When the evening wound down and my parents were good and drunk, making complete fools out of themselves, I was forcibly being set up with Min’s cousin Mino. But I left with my head held high. Only because I am happy to say that Min is FAT!

— Jane Kim