There’s a very good chance you are embarking on this article under false pretense. Those of you who think you’re about to get a read on the new Columbia/Tristar Pictures feature release, "Lords of Dogtown," and the photogenic cover subject who was cast because she’s an accomplished skateboarder, well, you’ve been duped.

The fact that Stephanie Limb is a willing participant in this paparazzo attempt to affect the Stockholm Syndrome speaks well of her and the highly speciated sense of humor she possesses. Because, to tell you the truth, there’s a world of imagination and intrigue lurking in the dim recesses of Stephanie’s mind that is much bigger than any Hollywood movie about skateboarding.

In this case, we have the benefit of a world-class intellect, a Dostoyevskian-magnitude storyteller and pool-barging pirate-meets-siren who is poised to embark this fall on an academic marauding mission at a soon-to-be decided institution of higher learning that has no idea who is about to roll through.

"Oh! And what about a photo session at the shooting range or in the woods with cigars and whiskey and firearms? Carter’s from Texas and he used to shoot doves and wrap it in bacon and roast it over open flames and eat it back in Waco. He says the only thing you can’t kill are coyotes (or, as he pronounced them, "KY-yotes") ’cause they’re like humans. But everything else, f-ck it! Kill ’em! So we’re going. I don’t shoot animals, but: Cigars + whiskey bottles + shotguns + cowboy boots = MAGIC."
— 20-year-old Stephanie Limb, musing on the photo possibilities to accompany this article

"You know, as much as people are probably tempted to say ‘Reign In Blood’ (because it’s the only song most folks f-ckin’ know), I’d have to say ‘Altar of Sacrifice,’" Stephanie opines on an Internet bulletin board with the topic, What’s the best Slayer song to do Whippets to? "That sh-t is more Slaytanic than even Anton Szander LaVey could have ever imagined.

"‘Coalesce into one your shadow and soul, soon you will meet the undead!’ and then, ‘Praise hail SATAN! SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!’

"‘Cause we know Rick Rubin produced it so that Tom’s voice chants these incantations in stereo. So you’re in the back of Trip Fontaine’s iRoc, eyes darting wildly back and forth, high as a mother when you stop like a deer in headlights:

"Ohmygod! Did you hear that? We’re not even spinning the record backwards!

"Yeah, that’s just about enough for anyone to go batsh-t."

Soon after, the editor of Birmingham, Ala.-based e-zine tangerinemag.com requests Stephanie’s literary prescience. ("They said, ‘All right, that’s it. We’re throwing you in the van,’" she recalls of the virtual kidnapping.) Adding to a list of office titles, "The Patty Hearst of Journalism," Stephanie summarily conjures this ab/intro-duction scenario for herself and accompanies it with the adjacent photo for the Web site.